Year 2021 taught me many lessons that I want to cherish, remember, and update. I wanted to capture them here as a reminder to myself, as guideposts toward the North Star.

I learned that I am a writer, and that I prefer writing to producing, and producing to directing.

I learned when I live with my parents I expend a lot of my creative energy to appeasing / worrying / anticipating their wants and needs. 

I learned that not writing regularly makes me so unhappy and ragey and inhibits my ability to be productive in any other area in my life. And that that the act of writing gives meaning to my existence. 

I learned that I’m a genre writer, and that genre - specifically thrillers - allows me freedom to explore the shadow side of both myself and others. And that in exploring this, I gain greater understanding of myself as a whole - both light and dark. 

I learned that I love living by myself. But also that it sometimes get unbearably lonely around the holidays. And that having a glass of wine and milk chocolate somewhat helps.

I learned that a movie projector is one of the best purchases I’ve made in my life. 

I learned that prestige, accolades, honor are useless indicators of how good a someone is as a collaborator. In fact they may work to disguise red flags in a person’s character, so they obfuscate rather than reveal.

I learned that I love writing about what it feels like to be a girl in Silicon Valley.

I learned that I love making podcasts, and that its limitation (lack of picture) is actually very freeing for a creative.

I learned that I May Destroy You is about introspection and not consent, and I loved that. 

I learned that I get ahead of myself and land myself in a hole when I get too excited and too ambitious about some future achievement or impressing someone. And that a remedy to this is to let that go and come back to myself, and write just for myself. 

I learned that budgeting sucks and takes a long time. But necessary. This goes for both movies and personal finance.

I learned that my current job is a day job. And that day jobs require a different mentality than a career. It’s not about outperforming to get ahead and earn more money. Day jobs are to be contained, enjoyed, and should be used to support the real job of being a creative. 

I learned that it’s critical for me to be financially self-sufficient in order to create sustainably, and also that best jobs are the ones that allow you to write and give you the satisfaction of meeting other people who are doing creative things. 

I learned that I can cook.

I learned that the sense of safety I have been seeking is from my twelve year old self. And that reminding myself that I’m here in the present and that the current reality is safe, helps me feel calmer. 

I learned that therapy helps. 

I learned that remote jobs don’t work for me because so much of what I am seeking in a job is dependent on interpersonal interactions and connection.

I learned that writing groups really help. 

I learned that when I feel stuck, I can take a day off from work and just be.

I learned that I can walk to museums and many of them are free or have free weekends. And that audio visual experiences are healing and inspiring.

I learned that writing characters that are too dark in a one-sided way lands me in hole that’s non-productive and unhappy. And that the stories I want to write have characters (protagonists, antagonists, supporting) that can elicit my empathy.

I learned that I need to always remember and choose to get the right results the right way. And that taking shortcuts that feel overly self-justified and live in a shady ethical area will cause me much unrest and anguish until I can see what I’ve done, make it right, and surrender it to God.

I learned to say “yes” only to things that deeply resonate in every cell of my body and in my soul. A “Hell Yeah or No” as John August calls it. No to everything else. Remember Oprah’s words: "Never again will I do anything for anyone that I do not feel directly from my heart. [I will say no to projects] in which every fiber of my being does not resound yes. I will act with the intent to be true to myself."